im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
