So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
