my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
