i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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