Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
