I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
