I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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