morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
