There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Who wears a wallet chain?!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
