she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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