i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
