I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
