somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
