my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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