We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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