soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
