Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
