How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
