apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
