God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
