Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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