I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
