my phone needs a breathalizer
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
