so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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