Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
