Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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