i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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