Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
sarcasm needs its own font
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
