I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
