I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
