Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
