note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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