I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
