i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
