how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
