my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
