You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
