No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
