Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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