The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
