all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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