Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
