Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
