Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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