We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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