i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
