I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
