genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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