You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize