I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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