So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
