I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
