Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
