all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
