Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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