Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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