alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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