Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
