WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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