Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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