Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
