I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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